I pushed through the doors for the first time in months and I couldn’t help looking for him even though I knew he wasn’t here and never would be because of me. I had thought that going back to school would be good for me; what could be worse than moping around my house, like I had for the last months? I wouldn’t leave my house for weeks on end and when I did I crept in the shadows, trying desperately to not being noticed. Even back at school I couldn’t help but stick close the walls and keep my head ducked hoping that everyone would over look me. It had taken a lot of begging and pleading with my mother to let me come back here and now that she had finally caved into my unceasing whining I wasn’t so sure that I actually wanted to be here anymore. I had thought that this was the best thing for me right now but now I realized that she had probably been right when she had told me that I was taking things to fast. How is it that mothers are always right about things like this?


It’s easy to put on a face and be brave when you’re only thinking or talking about something but it is an entirely different experience when you are actually putting your plan that you had thought was infallible into action. It hadn’t exactly been a piece of cake to convince my mother that I would be okay in this place but now I was having an extremely harder time convincing myself that I would be okay. High school was a brutal place on a normal day and when everyone knows what happened to you it becomes ten times more difficult to make it through the day.

I tried to ignore the people I passed who turned and stared at me, and all the whispers that surrounded me but I just couldn’t block them all out. I told myself that it didn’t matter to me what they were thinking and that they didn’t even know what I was going through but truth is no one can completely block out the opinions of everyone around them. Maybe it’s easy to ignore one or two whispers but when you’re surrounded by hundred of them it’s impossible to not hear at least some of them.

“I heard she didn’t even try to stop him.”

“She knew and she didn’t even do anything!”

“What kind of friend would do something like that?! I mean two people!”

The voices echoed inside my head until I thought I was going to burst. Frantically, I started off down the hallway just trying to escape these people who were judging me without even knowing whom I was. I didn’t want to face the fact that as long as I lived here my reputation would follow me around. I pushed through the crowds, jabbing my elbows into people’s sides and weaving in between conversing cliques. Seeing as most people thought that I was already completely insane, seeing me almost running down the hall with probably a psychotic look on my face didn’t really help my cause.

The people, who weren’t whispering about me and what they thought they knew, pursued me in order to comfort me. Or try to at least. Their ideas of comfort were the last thing I needed. They tried to tell me that it wasn’t my fault and that I couldn’t have known but what they didn’t realize is that I had known and I hadn’t done anything. In the end they only left me feeling guiltier than when they had started. I stayed ducked low as I weaved through the crowds, trying to avoid my so-called “friends.” I was fairly speedy even in the cluttered hallways and I almost made it to my homeroom without making any contact with anyone.

Almost. I was so focused and avoiding everyone behind me that I forgot to look for incoming obstacles in front of me. I ran straight into the very last person I wanted to see. Of course he was the one person I should have been expecting to find me. He always got his way and I guess his way today was to swoop me up into a crushing hug. I cringed at the physical contact. Recently I hated hugs and any other contact with people.

Will obviously didn’t notice that I didn’t hug him back because he just went right on hugging me even though I was pretty much suffocating. That was Will though. Totally oblivious to everyone around him. He did what he wanted to without a thought to anyone else. I had once found it appealing but now it was just annoying. I was tired of people telling me what I needed or wanted. I was tired of Will.

I wrestled my way out of Will’s death hold and gave him my iciest glare that I had been perfecting for the past months. He looked surprised. He wasn’t used to this side of me. He was used to the Alec who just went along with everything that he did. The pushover me. The one that got me into this whole mess.

“Woah, someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning or something… what happened to you anyways? You like disappeared for months and now you come back all cynical and harsh,” he stepped back and surveyed me with a disappointed from on him face.

“Well sorry I’m no longer living up to your expectations but you haven’t exactly been here for me lately,” I bit back. He didn’t understand this, just like everyone else.

“Yeah I wasn’t here because you never answer my calls and when I saw you around you would pretend like you didn’t see me and then run.” He didn’t let himself go down without a fight. He never did. Will always got his way.

There was truth in his words and they stung but I wasn’t going to let that show. “So you couldn’t even stop by or anything? Wow that’s supportive.”

“You’re supposed to be my girlfriend! I shouldn’t have to chase you down just to see you!”

“Well I think we both have made very clear that that’s pretty much over.” He looked like I had just slapped him across the face. I hadn’t realized that through everything that we’d been through he still thought we’d be together. I thought it was a mutual understanding but I guess he had somehow missed that.

He rolled his eyes at me and turned to walk away.

“Wait, Will. I’m sorry. I’ve just been through a lot anymore. I don’t know… I don’t even know who I am anymore.” I tried to make him understand but Will was done.

Or almost done, Will always got the last word. “When you figure out your life call me. Or don’t…”

Of course I was late walking into homeroom on the first day of school, of course, and judging by the look on most of the class’s faces they had all heard what had gone down with me and Will in the hall. I hadn’t realized we were shouting until I actually thought back on our little scene.

“Nice of you to finally join us Miss Hayes. I hope we didn’t cut into your free time too much, “ Mr. Jordan sneered at me as I tried to slide invisibly into my seat. “I would have thought that you could at least be on time for the first day of school. I guess I thought too much of you though.”

“Uh… sorry about that, Mr. Jordan. I just had some, er, stuff to take care of,” I stumbled over my excuse while my cheeks flamed red and by the glare he gave me it was obvious that he didn’t think my reason was valid. Mr. Jordan hated me. I don’t know why but he did. He had been my math teacher last year and fate somehow thought it would be funny to make him my math teacher this year too.

“As I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted, I hope you all have your summer work ready to turn in.” You could always depend on Mr. Jordan to keep you working even during what was supposed to be your period of freedom. I looked desperately around the class and found them all taking out their work. The work that I hadn’t done. Christine, my ex-best friend from middle school, smirked at me and my panicked face. Yet another person who hated my guts. I wasn’t exactly sure why Christine hated me but I guessed that it had something to do with the rumored crush she had on Will. At least she didn’t have to worry about that anymore.

“Um, you know what Mr. Jordan. I’m just going to have to get back to you on that. Sorry but I didn’t feel like wasting my summer on your homework.” That was me for ya; always the positive one, you know. I didn’t usually have an attitude; I was just tired of dealing with everyone’s crap.

Mr. Jordan just gave an obnoxiously loud sign before continuing to collect papers. I bet he was thinking that this was only another reason he needed to hate me.